Nurturing the seed

Young people need multi-generational community

A Quaker who grew up in the 1960s was telling me about the Meeting picnics of his childhood, where he used to play with crowds of other children. He spoke about it as a treasured memory, but also with sadness as he wondered, ‘where are all the children now?’

Others have told me about coming to Quakers decades ago, as parents of young children. They described the warm welcome they received and the strong friendships made with other parents, which have lasted throughout their lives. And they told me how, once their children grew up, there were no new families and the children’s meetings were laid down.

Most Quaker communities now have no children’s meeting, and this has come to seem normal. Many people who have joined in the last couple of decades have never seen a child in a Meeting House, and take it for granted that a Quaker Meeting is only for retired people.

Some Quakers have become unwilling to tolerate the presence of children in a meeting for worship. It seems self-evident to them that a child would disrupt the silence. And without a children’s meeting any parent who does turn up is told to sit in a side room with their child during worship. Naturally anyone who is treated like this is unlikely to come a second time.

How many Meeting websites now say something like, “if you want to bring children please contact us in advance?” If yours says this you shouldn’t be surprised that families don’t come. They have already understood that they will be a nuisance and are not welcome.

A Quaker Meeting is not a meditation group; it is a community, where people share their lives and minister to each other. The aim of Quaker worship is not an hour of undisturbed silence. It is a shared openness to the Spirit that is present among us to challenge, to guide and to heal. All of us, of any age, can discover this source of life and make it visible to others.

Even very young children can come to sense the special atmosphere of a gathered meeting for worship. For some, it will be the seed of a spiritual encounter that continues to grow throughout their life.

This can take time. Our children first came to Quaker Meeting as toddlers. All of the small children would come into the last fifteen minutes of meeting for worship and begin playing under the table while the adults looked on indulgently. At first, the children would talk to each other unselfconsciously at full volume. Week by week, they gradually started to whisper, then began encouraging each other to play more quietly. Eventually, they settled on laps or their own chairs and centred down into worship. Now they are all in their 20s, with a spirituality formed by the Quaker community that nurtured them; and another generation of small children is playing under the meeting room table.

Young people need a community around them. Often they are growing up without local extended families, and with few opportunities for inter-generational relationships. They are increasingly targeted by a predatory digital culture that generates anxiety and isolation. Faith groups are almost the only places left where children can be part of a face to face, multi-generational community.

When my daughter moved to the south of England a couple of years ago, she deliberately sought out a Quaker Meeting where she could meet older people, because she had grown up valuing inter-generational friendships. Her trust in Quaker community was rewarded. A retired couple in that Meeting invited her to their home, cooked her meals and even mended her bike. (And if this was you - thank you!)

When a Meeting stops welcoming families it loses a vital dimension of Quaker community. Our discernment and our worship are impoverished when they are restricted to a narrow range of age and experience. Those Meetings that do include parents and children stay in touch with all the seasons of life. They are also thriving and growing, because so many parents are looking for a healthy, inclusive community that respects children as equals.

But children are not a resource for the survival of our Meetings. They are precious young people, growing up in a time of enormous challenges. Young people need our Meetings to be places of acceptance and creative exploration. When we welcome them we offer a precious gift will help them to flourish and be a blessing to others throughout their lives. This is a part of our life together as Quakers that we can rediscover, if we find the generosity to welcome the young people who need our loving friendship now.